


I Wonder (Am I Being Real?)

by Jovi_Star



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Episode: s02e15 Revelations, Gen, Nightmares, Other, Protective David Rossi, Scared Spencer Reid, Worried David Rossi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:15:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27885850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jovi_Star/pseuds/Jovi_Star
Summary: No matter what, the trauma that is hidden away, always comes back to haunt you.Reid has nightmares on a case. The team is there to comfort him. Another learns about the horrors he went through.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan & Spencer Reid, Emily Prentiss & Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid & David Rossi, Spencer Reid & The BAU Team
Comments: 7
Kudos: 79





	I Wonder (Am I Being Real?)

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, this is so long. :b

The Behavioral Analysis Unit rushed into an office with a round table and big screen mounted on the wall. Aarron Hotchner and his friend David Rossi where first into the office. Followed by their senior agents Jennfier Jareau, Spencer Reid and Derek Morgan. After them was Emily Prentiss. 

The team sat down, all looking at their tablets – or for Reid, doctor of the dark ages, his folder. Talking about their nights, JJ happily told her work family about her time in a bar with Garcia and how they meant some drunk boys. 

“Things got out of hand quickly.” JJ said with laugh. 

Most of the team listened and laughed but Reid was in his own mind. 

Reid, thinking about statistics, facts and horrors from his life, the younger agent rubbed a hand over his face. “Where’s Garcia?” He asked, his voice hoarse. 

The Unit Chief, checked his watch, smiled, and sighed. “Being Garcia.” 

Suddenly, a blonde woman ran into the office, her heels clicking against the floor. 

“Oh my gosh! I am so sorry! I slept in!” 

The team smiled at their tech analyst, Penelope Garcia’s unique personality. Her clothing stood out and her chippy mood seemed to cure the rough states of the agents. Garcia took a seat at the head of the table, her back to the TV. Clicking a remote, the TV flickered to life. 

“Slept in? Since when did my goddess sleep in?” Morgan chuckled. “JJ here says you had a hangover?” 

Garica glared and smiled back. “Worse hangover, ever!” 

“Alright, alright, mama.” Morgan asked. He flipped his sexy smile on. “What have we got?”

“We’ve got a body in Provo, Utah. Presley Long was 24-year-old attending Brigham Young University or otherwise known as your favorite BYU collage. She was found stabbed this morning in a public park just near the collage. The second victim was London Windsor. Same cause of death just found in a different public park just near the collage. And this was on Tuesday.” 

Prentiss was about to question London Windsor when the lovely Garcia beat her to it. 

“Yes, she attended BYU too, and so did the first victim, Lara Lexington. Stabbed over 30 times that time, found in the same public park Presley Long was found in.” 

JJ tilted her head, looking at the picture of the body on the screen. “Overkill. The unsub knew the first victim.” 

“And this was all this week?” Prentiss asked. 

“Yeppers. Lara was killed Sunday morning.” Garica responded. 

“Bold to kill on such a religious date in such a religious place.” Reid said, looking down at his files, his eyes glossy. 

“Alright, the officials want us to clean this up quickly. Wheels up in 30.” Hotch announced. 

OoOoOoOoO 

On the BAU’s jet, the team was back looking at their tablets and files, going over things and building a profile. Garica was the only on not there, being back at Quantico, working her magic. 

“I don’t get it. Why would the unsub leave the third victim back in the first crime scene? That’s bold. If he’s this smart, then he would know that patrols would increase around that area. Wouldn’t he stay away?” Reid observes. 

“Maybe not. If he is local or a part of the police force, he would be able avoid the patrols. To slip past anything and anyone.” Rossi says. “Confuse them.” 

“Then maybe he is an officer at or near the university, the college students would be comfortable with him. He obviously knew the first victim, taking his rage out on her. He liked it and continued to do it, using surrogates.” Hotch said, gazing back at his co-worker. 

“I don’t think so. If their surrogates, then he would have remorse on them, place them in positions that suggest that, but all the victims are just thrown and left there.” Reid remarks. 

“Angry police officer.” Morgan said, his hand moving across the screen of his tablet. “This is going to be fun.” 

Garica appeared on the screen of the computers, her smile bright and her pink accessories popping. “Hello! Oracle of Quantico is here to serve your wishes!” 

“Garcia look for any other connection between the girls. And see if there's and local or on campus officers......” Hotch’s voice faded out of Reids ears. 

He squinted at his files, his eyes playing tricks on him. The doctor sighed under his breath and got up. Stumbling over to the bathroom, he placed his hands under the now running facet and splashed the cool water on his face. The liquid dripped down, rushing back down to the sink. 

The youngest agent sighed in relief at the cool touch, glad for some comfort of grounding himself. It had been a strange and horrible night. The darkness that engulfed him, the screams that echoed in the dark water he was drowning in, the click of the barrel of a gun emptying, and the only swaying light in the drowning black. 

A gasp escaped Reid's mouth as he felt a hand on his shoulder. He whirled around and found Rossi staring back. The sound of the water rushing down the faucet was the only sound between the two men. 

“Are you alright, kiddo?” The older man asked. 

Reid sighed, unsure what to say. He did not want to tell him what happened last night; did not want the team babying him. 

“And tell the truth.” Rossi eyed him. 

“I-I, uhm....uhm, I-” Reid looked down at his hands. The nightmares that plagued him still haunted him, every hour, every minute and every second. And it is not like Rossi would understand. It happened a year before the older agent even re-joined the BAU. He will not know about Tobais Hankle, the unsub that had kidnapped and tortured Reid for two days. Reid doubted the team would have said anything; they knew how hard the experience had hit him, and what he did after. The needle, piercing his arm, the drug...... 

“Reid.” Rossi said again. 

Reid turned back around, ignoring the hand on his shoulder, and investigated the mirror. The man that stared back was hardly recognizable. Red and black bags under his eyes, his short hair messy, a beard growing and his eyes, filled fear and trauma. 

“I had nightmares.” the young doctor chocked out quickly. “You wouldn’t understand.” 

Rossi sighed. “Yeah, I do ki-” 

Reid pushed past him. “No, you don’t” 

Rossi stared at Reid as he stumbled to the back of the jet, away from the others. The senior agent gaped; he knew the kid had gone through so much, but surely it was not to hell and back. 

OoOoOoOoO 

Once the jet landed, Hotch divided the team. Rossi and Hotch would be going to the police station, Prentiss and Morgan to the collage and Reid and JJ would be going to the latest crime scene. 

Hotch had heard the conversation between the older and younger agent back on the plane. Hotch couldn’t blame Reid. He still had the whole video remembered; every whimper, every hit and bruise Reid took. Even the terror and dread in the agent's eyes that Reid himself wasn’t going to make it. 

It was February third, nearing the anniversary the day Reid got taken and held for two days just a year ago. The little snowflakes that fell from the grey sky of Utah brought back memories of the team running around, frantic for the life of one of their own, in the rain. The cold itself remined how Hotch felt inside: cold and hollow. _Dead. Afraid._

Hotch and Rossi made their way into the station, their long black coats littered with snow. The sheriff greeted them. 

“Hello, I’m Sheriff Jackson.” He held out his hand, his tan skin wrinkled with age. 

Hotch took his hand. “Agent Hotchner. We spoke on the phone.” 

“Ah....yep. Thank you so much for coming, we want to clean this up as fast as we can” He replied. “Is this all? Thought there’d be more of you.” 

“The other agents are at the collage and the crime scene. Do you have a place we can set up?” Hotch asked. 

“Yes, sir.” He led them to the back of the big office room, to a glass room, with a table and clear white board. “Here ya go.” 

“Thank you.” Hotch nodded. 

Rossi had been usually quiet on the ride over here, Hotch noticed. He just stared off, lost in his own thoughts. 

The two sat down and started to take out pictures, reports and document out of 2 boxes placed on the table. Hotch stopped short and glared at Rossi. 

“Are you alright?” He asked. 

Rossi sighed and rubbed a hand over his goatee. “It’s Reid. I know he has some horrors he has to cope with like all of us, but this is......different.” 

“This wasn’t like when his father left him and his mom. Reid looked......beyond broken.” Rossi gazed up at Hotch’s brown eyes. “I’m worried about him. I want to help him, but I don’t know how.” 

Hotch thought for a moment. He didn’t want Reid to feel betrayed, but Rossi was going to find out eventually. A year later, Reid was still struggling with his addiction and coping with the horrors experienced last year. But he wanted to help his youngest agent. Reid was already so broken, and reliving the terrifying trauma wasn’t helping. 

Hotch sighed. 

Rossi stared. “What is it? I know you have something to say. 

“A year ago, we had a case in Altana, Georgia, where an unsub was murdering people for their sins. He had personality disorder of himself, his abusive religious father and religious figure the archangel Raphael.” Hotch let is sink in. 

“Tobias Hankel.” Rossi confirmed. 

Hotch raises an eyebrow. 

The older agent shrugged. “I’ve heard whispers.” 

"Uh, hu.” Hotch nodded, hiding a smile. The agent needs a small light in his life. “At the time, Tobais was just a witness. I sent JJ and Reid over to interview him. While there, Reid found out he was the unsub, JJ and Reid spilt up and Tobias ambushed Reid.” 

Hotch stopped and glanced at Rossi, waiting. 

_Oh._

Rossi was a profiler; he should have noticed this from the beginning. 

He sated at Hotch, shocked. 

Hotch looked down and continued. 

“Hankel took him for two days, torturing and traumatizing him. Beat him in front of a camera streaming to us. We all saw.” He closed his eyes. The memory was still vivid and clear in his mind as if it was yesterday. “He drugged Reid. The drugs where the only comfort Reid had in the shed, he was held in. Eventually, both beaten and drugged, Reid....” Hotch took a breath. “......Reid died.” 

Rossi's heart stops. “The kid died?” 

A soft hum is the only response from Hotch. “And we all watched.” 

Silence stretches between the two men. The team weren't joking when they said Reid was strong. Looks like Rossi was wrong: Reid did go to hell and back. 

“Eventually Tobias revive him.” 

“Why? Why did the unsub revive him?” 

“Tobias was just following his dead father and Raphael’s orders. He didn't want to do anything; He was just scared of his father after years of abuse.” the Unit Chief stops and gazes at Rossi. “Don’t mention this to Reid. He’s.....he’s having a hard time.” 

“Yeah, I can tell.” 

"A year ago, today, Reid was beaten and tortured. He’s going to be off the hook.” 

“Why let him work anyway?” 

Hotch looks away, his mouth tightly shut. He won’t- he doesn’t want to share what Reid dealt with after the case. It was hard enough on him and the team. Letting Reid work was saving his life. 

“Alright. I’ll kept my mouth shut.” Rossi agrees. 

OoOoOoOoO 

Reid immediately fell asleep once the jet took off. After countless of restless nights, Reid finally fell asleep. It didn’t take long for the team to find the unsub, but it took everything out of Reid. The haunting fear of Tobias lurking over his shoulder, the urges of the familiar drug in his body and the constant drowning in black. He was terrified to close his eyes. Now, he greedily welcome’s sleep, even though he knows nightmares are waiting for him. 

The doctor opened his eyes to find himself back in that cursed shed. The light bulb hung limp from the ceiling, swaying gently, the light itself lightly glowed in the dark. The floor was dark, but Reid could see wooden boards underneath him as he knelt on the cold ground. 

Suddenly, a snap sounded, and Reid found himself on that forsaken wooden chair, his hands cuffed behind. He struggled against the restrains, not wanting to be here again. Reid’s shivered at the cold and empty wind; his feet where bare and his sleeves rolled up. 

Looking up, the agent saw a man standing over him. His face blurred by the constant morphing of three faces: a young, scared face, the same face but older and angry and a face with no eyes or mouth but had a glowing aura. Growls and hisses echoed through the engulfing darkness. Through the air, the smell of burning fish hit Reid’s nose hard. He shrunk back, gaging. 

“ _Cho_ _o_ _s_ _e_.” The distorted figure’s voices echoed in the empty but filled space, send more shivers down Reid's spine. 

Reid gasped. _“I’m not a sinner. Pleas-no. I_ _-I- I'm not a sinner!”_

“ _Cho_ _o_ _se or die, boy_.” They repeated. 

Heart beating hard in his chest, Reid gasped again, his lungs refusing to work and get air in. The figure lifted their hands and clasped in it was a shiny revolver, their fingers on the trigger. _The revolver._

He clicked it. 

Nothing happened. 

Reid sighed. 

Pain flared up in his foot, racing up his leg to his head. He screamed. Next thing he knows, a needle is going through his arm. He kicks. A punch to his head has him reeling. He squirms. A harsh fall on the floor as him gasping and coughing. His back hurts just as much as everything else. He wants to die. 

_"I- I’m not a –a sin-sinner.”_ Reid gasps . _“Please.”_

They raise the gun once again. _When had it gone down?_

_“Confess._ _”_

_“No.”_ Reid spits with all his remaining strength. Darkness blurred his vision and his body now ridged and limp; ga sps and coughs escape his mouth as he continues to fight for air. He’d much rather die than be next to this-this _monster._

But he couldn’t help himself. Tobias was a broken man; beaten down to submission by his father, a man who relied on his religious beliefs too often. His mother, who was supposed to be his light in the world, was taken from his world too soon. Reid knew how he felt. His own father had left him, with his broken schizophrenia mother that he had to take care off at the age of 10. 

Before he knew it, the revolver clicked and shot, aiming for Reid right in his chest. Time slowed. Reid saw himself digging his own grave, Charles stood over him, a glare on his face as he pointed the gun at him. The image shifted to when Reid was running through the corn field, the night sky blazed alive with stars. Such a beautiful night. Why did Reid had to get taken there? 

The corn in front of him swayed and the butt of a gun jammed into his head. Reid groaned and fell to the cold hard floor. 

_Wait, how did he get off the_ _floor?_

As he fell, the hard floor changed to blackness and Reid was back in the shed. Pain radiated from his chest; blood flowed from the burning wound. 

Once again, the floor and setting around him changed to full blackness. Reid drifted in the void, to weak and broken to do anything. He screamed. Begged. Yelled for Tobias to let him _go h_ _ome._ To let the _pain,_ _stop._

Reid screamed as he jerked awake. 

His hands and legs kicking invisible hands from him. _They're going to put the needle in! No. Stop! I don’t want it_ _!!_

Reid kept repeating those words as he continued to thrash. 

_Please! I don’t want it!_

Reid must have said the words out loud, because a voice responded. 

“Hey! Hey, you're okay! You’re not in the shed! You’re in the jet with the team.” Heavy breathing heaved next to his ear. Hands grabbed him, but Reid didn’t see who they belonged too. His vision was filled with blackness; red glares filled with the trauma Reid had during those horrible two days. 

Someone put a hand through his hair. Reid flinched and shied away. The hands gentle stroked his brown strands but what he felt was a rough hand, grabbing his hair and pulling his head to look up at them. Reid kept his eyes shut, daring not to open them and see that cruel and broken person above. 

“Reid! You're okay!” Arms wrapped around the young genius, trapping his failing arms. They put their head in the croak of his neck and—hug- _h_ _ugged him_. 

Reid now held firmly but gently, went limp and broke into wracking sobs. Tears filled his eyes as one left, trailing down his red cheeks. Gasps broke out of his mouth as Reid breathed heavily. His cries echoed in the silent jet. 

The person behind him never once let go. They held firmly and let Reid be comforted by the company. Let him cry on their shoulder and scratch at them till Reid’s body was too weak and exhausted. They constantly whispered to him, telling him it’d be okay. 

“I’ve got you, kid. I’ve got you.” 

“You’re safe.” 

“You’re home, pretty boy. You’re home.” 

Morgan. Morgan was the one that was _hugging him._ Morgan was the one letting him cry on his shoulder. Morgan. 

More sobs escaped Reid's mouth. Morgan was always there. Morgan helped him with things that Morgan himself didn’t know about. 

A hand brushed on his cheek. JJ. Reid knew it was his best friend from the skin. The soft, gentle and familiar skin. He wanted to open his eyes, but he couldn’t. He was so drained. So, scared that if he opened his eyes, Tobias would be in JJ’s place and not JJ herself. 

Reid realized, right here and right now, while he was broken and crying, how much he loves his team. How much of a family they’ve become in such a time. JJ was always there, giving love and comfort to Reid. After everything they’ve been through, she was still here. She was like a mother to Reid. Making sure he’s okay, looking out for him. 

Morgan, the teasing silly older brother. From the moment they meant, Reid knew they were going to get along just fine. Morgan though, thought otherwise. He couldn't believe Reid was a part of the team and after their first case together, Morgan knew that Reid would be okay. Reid trusted Morgan; after everything they’ve shared, he still does: his headaches, his nightmares, and even though Reid didn’t tell him till later, Maeve. 

Garcia, of course, always brightens his day with her chippie attitude. Reid knows he's safe and normal with Garcia. She’s weird and he’s weird; the two genius dorks. No matter what, Reid has fun with her. And like always, Garcia is there. There to kept Reid up. There to love him. 

Although Hotch has his mask of deception, Reid always knows that Hotch cares for him, just as much as the other team members. He’s never back down from a fight that involves his team. Reid is still here because of Hotch. If the unit chief never understood what Reid had quoted and chosen, then Reid would be _dead._ Buried in a grave, where the team would never find him. He can thank Hotch for that. In fact, Reid thinks he did- many, _many_ times. 

Prentiss was still new to the BAU. Her two years with the team and Reid already feel at home with her. Her clam personality but fierce strength for her team. Even when Reid was taken by Tobias, Prentiss, still held her clam, raced to find the genius she knew would one day be her friend. 

And Rossi.....Reid wasn’t sure. Hell yes, Reid loved his books and everything the old man had to teach, but Reid didn’t know him enough. It been.... what? A week or two since they’ve meant? Better yet, Rossi never had to watch Reid himself beg of Tobias to stop. Watched Reid get beaten. Watched him chose Hotch to die. Rossi made the BAU; Reid doubts he’d leave, but after Gideon left, Reid broke even more and left him scared. Maybe Rossi leaves. Maybe he wouldn’t. 

After a long time, Reid doesn’t know how long, the sobs ran dry. No more tears flowed down his face, no more hacking gasp, but Reid continued shaking. 

Morgan is still hugging him from behind and JJ is gently brushing his hand hanging limp in his lap. Reid wants to hold on tight to his friend, but he’s too exhausted. 

It’s weird, hearing the jet, so quiet. No Nosie but the plane's engines and the rushing of wind. No sound of anyone moving, let alone _breathing._

With little strength, Reid opened his eyes. 

JJ sat- or stood, Reid couldn’t tell- in front of him, Prentiss stared over her shoulder, concern in her eyes, Rossi and Hotch sat alert on their seats. Hotch’s hands where griping the table hard, making his knuckles white. Rossi’s face held confusion and concern, with little bit of realization. 

Something shifted behind Reid and Morgan slowly let go of the young agent and slipped him down on the couch. Reid complied, letting Morgan do so. Once Morgan was off, JJ scrambled next to Reid and held him. This time, the doctor lifted his pale hands and clung to JJ. Reid would have sobbed if he could, but their where no more tears for him to shed. 

“Oh, Spence, I'm so sorry.” JJ sniffled. 

Reid knew JJ still felt guilty for leaving Reid. If they stayed together, then Reid would never had gotten kidnapped. But Reid didn’t blame her. Shit happens. Can’t change the past, only the future. So, Reid decided that’s what he was going to do. 

Reid sniffled too. “It-it’s oka-okay.” His voice shook. 

Morgan’s hand touched his shoulder, Reid looked up. 

“Hey, kid, you alright?” 

Reid nodded. “Just....Just some bad dreams.” 

Morgan shook his head. “No, that wasn’t just ‘bad dreams.’ That was a serious nightmare.” 

“Did you dream about ... _that?”_ JJ asked. 

A nod is her answer. 

“It’s alright.” She held on tighter. “It’s okay. Your safe and your home.” 

“Yeah.” Prentiss piped in. “You’ve got us. And we are _never_ leaving you. We won’t let anyone else hurt you.” 

Reid doubted the latter, but it was nice to know that the team- _his team-_ are always going to be at his side. He took a deep breathe. 

_In_

_Out_

“Kiddo are you sure you’re okay. What you went through is tough. No one expects you to be fine.” Rossi asked. 

Hotch still staring at Reid with kind eyes. “With anything.” 

Reid knew what his Unit Chief was talking about. His addiction. His addiction with the drugs that Tobais had used on him, his only comfort in the shed. 

Reid hadn’t taken any for about 4 months. It took everything out of him to ignore the urges. He was so close to six months. So close. 

“I’m fine.” 

Hotch, raised an eyebrow. 

“Really. I’m fine.” It felt _really_ good to say that and _actually_ mean it. 

Hotch saw the light in his eyes, his no longer stiff form and nodded. 

_Wait._

_“_ How do you know about it?” Reid asked 

“What?” 

“How’d you know about my kidnapping, Rossi? You weren't there.” 

Rossi hesitated. Hotch had told him not to tell. He didn’t know if that meant if when the kid asked him or if he just spilled it out. 

Luckily for him, Hotch spoke up. “I told him.” 

Reid wanted to protest, but a hand from Hotch silenced him. 

“Rossi just wanted to help. When you ghosted him coupled of days ago, he was worried.” Hotch looked at Reid with a strange look. “Just like all of us are.” 

_Oh._ That look was a fatherly look. The look he gave Jack. The look he sometimes uses to his team in dire situations. The look you hardly get from a man like Hotch. 

“Oh, sorry.” Reid looked away. His eyes found JJ’s hand clasped in his on her shoulder. 

“Reid, what you went through, it was hard. The team, all of us,” he gestured to everyone, even Hotch and Reid, themselves, “Are here. We’re here to help. And _we want to help._ _”_

Reid thought for a moment. Maybe hiding his pain and fear wasn’t the right idea. _Don’t you not want to be babied?_

A voice whispered inside his head. It echoed though the hallow walls of his brain. _No, I don’t, but maybe I could get help. Talk to a_ _therapist_ _. Something._

Even though his head kept sending doubt, Reid nodded. “Alright.” 

“Good.” Morgan put a hand along his hand and ruffled it. 

“We love you, Spence. You’re a part of this family just as much as everyone else. Don’t you forget that.” JJ whispered into his ear. Her soft breath brushed against his now cold skin. 

“Can I have a blanket?” Reid asked. 

Morgan laughed, Hotch and Rossi joining in and Prentiss smiled. JJ probably did too. “Sure kid.” And Prentiss disappeared. 

In that moment, Reid knew that everything was going to be okay. 

Because his team - _his family_ – loved him. They’d do everything in their power to help him. 

And for once, Reid was okay with that. 

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, Yes, I know. I should be working on my series, but I'm just........bored. This idea just hit and I was like, 'I need to write this.' and I did. I love BAU family and grandpa Rossi.  
> Anyway, hoped u enjoyed this. Stay safe and have a Merry Christmas.
> 
> Love, Jovi.
> 
> I'm very grateful for my twin sister, who supports me with anything and everything I do. I love you. #GiveThanks


End file.
